Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Young, wild, and free...

I'm starting to realize that things that are amusing now are not going to be funny if I'm in the same stage of life when I'm 30. These things include, but are certainly not limited to:

-Falling asleep on the couch, nightly.
-Wearing long shirts as dresses. With leggings. To work.
-Blasting Lady Gaga every morning during my shower (What up new neighbors!).
-Living in my shitty apartment with no dishwasher, no laundry, and doors that I had to take off the hinges.
-Teasing the shit out of my hair and shellacking it to my head with half a can of hair spray.
-Being legit mad because Courtney and Matt from Most Eligible Dallas don't end up together (Hottest on-air kiss EVER.)

Also, I was texting my ex again, because (let's be real) things were getting real desperate around here. I'm talking eating an entire pan of brownies while watching the notebook desperate. Long story short, he made me irrational mad, which is different from my usual mad, and so I forwarded all of his texts to his girlfriend. Obviously, I don't mess around.

Next thing I know I'm blocked on the book and I can't creep anyone! That same night, Facebook chat was down and I couldn't chat with anyone. I seriously thought that his girlfriend reported me to Mark Zukerburg and I was in Facebook jail. Sheer panic.

My next move was to check out match.com. What a bunch of weird asses! One guy's screen name was italynstalyn. I'd say that's a red flag. Every dude who is in my age bracket is just looking to hook up. Plus, people are so fake online. I would never get a date if I filled out that questionnaire honestly.

  • Interests: work, reality tv, Facebook creeping, laying on the couch, night eating, shopping, texting exes, losing the same five pounds at Weight Watchers
  • Sports and exercise: N/A
  • Exercise habits: Sprinting from the couch to the fridge during commercial breaks
  • Pets: make me bust out my inhaler
  • Political views: Crazy Liberal
  • Sign: Crazy Gemini
  • miss it so much
  • Favorite Things: naps, junk food, facebook creeping, being antisocial, quoting Jersey Shore, engaging in passive aggressive behavior
  • Last Read: serveral young adult vampire romance novels
  • Guys would wink the shit out of my profile.

    Monday, August 15, 2011

    I am so ready to go back to school. So far this summer I've done laundry once. How have I accomplished this? I think it must be a combination between having an obscene amount of clothes and wearing things several times before washing them. I swear I'm not gross; I've achieved the perfect level of arctic chill with my air conditioning, so I rarely sweat. Also, I've been wearing the same pair of blue Nike mesh shorts all summer. Seriously. All summer.

    At the beginning of the summer, several of my capris and shorts didn't fit as a result of my bacon bender last winter. Life was stressful. Bacon helped. Now that my clothes fit again, I have no excuse, but I love those shorts.

    I've also been sleeping on an air mattress for the past month. By choice. It started when I bought this sweet air mattress anticipating several summer guests. I left it made up in my sister's room until the one time I did laundry this summer and washed all three dirty sets of sheets I'd let accumulate. Naturally, I left all of my laundry over at the main building, and it was after midnight. I was lazy and fell asleep on the air mattress.

    Let me tell you that after not sleeping well all summer (because I haven't expended enough energy to be tired) I had the best night's sleep ever. And so I've been sleeping on the air mattress ever since. I only have 3 more nights until I move, and I know I'll have to sleep in my bed again. I thought about setting up the air mattress in the living room, but I'm afraid I'll end up on one of those My Strange Addiction shows.

    Have I mentioned that I have watched more TV this summer than ever before. Ever. Teen Wolf, My Strange Addiction, Weeds, True Blood, Pretty Little Liars, The Bachelor Pad (which has made me had men more than ever), The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and every show on HGTV. My brain feels like jello.

    I also put a hole in my wall the other day. After keeping my apartment in pristine condition for three years, I fell off my exercise ball. No, I wasn't exercising. I was actually talking on the phone.

    I am so ready to be a real person again who has a schedule that doesn't revolve around my shows. I'm ready to eat meals that don't involve beef jerky and gum drops. I want to wear pants that don't have an elastic waist.

    Wednesday, July 27, 2011

    Spark, and It's Like Gasoline or I've been here so long that people are starting to give me looks...

    I am such a procrastinator. I've been sitting at a cafe for over 3 hours trying to make myself write a 1 page response paper. So far, I've watched two episodes of Teen Wolf, caught up on my blog reading, researched my new veneers, and listened to the preview of every song on Britney Spear's new album. And I haven't started the damn paper.

    I think this is probably part of a larger "engaging in self-destructive behaviors" pattern that includes eating shocking amounts of candy, staying up late when I know I'm going to be tired the next day, and texting exes.

    Speaking of which...I did something kind of bad a couple of months ago, but I don't feel bad about it, which then makes me feel bad. Exactly.

    Anyway, I may or may not have *cough* hung out with an ex who has a girlfriend. You can interpret that hung out with how you choose, but I think that you probably get the idea. It felt really validating, and I'm not sure why, because he's not that attractive anymore, and I don't want to date him. I've realized that I need to date someone who I can bring to work functions and not be fearful of what he's going to do or say. I have enough trouble not being "that girl" at the Christmas party without having to worry about my boyfriend, too.

    For example:

    I've been thinking about going back to therapy to discuss these self-destructive behaviors, but I find that therapists want you to be serious about your issues, and I'm not. I think they're kind of funny, and that seems to be frowned upon. Apparently, you're not really supposed to think about what your opener will be at your session.

    Monday, July 18, 2011

    Summer is great, until it sucks...

    As a teacher, I love summer, but I don't love that people think teachers live a life of leisure for 3 months. Most teachers either tutor, teach summer school, or take classes. I'm taking classes this summer and it sucks. I have two papers due a week which means I do no grad work at all 5 days a week and then spend the other 2 in a procrastination induced anxiety attack where I knock out 6 pages in a sitting.

    I'm also moving this summer which I'm excited about, but not looking forward to carrying a life's worth of stuff from my current apartment to an apartment 50 feet away. My master plan is to put everything in the front lawn of my new apartment the night before then frantically carry everything inside during the 8 hours I'm allotted to move.

    As for my love life, I've just continued texting the same ex-boyfriends that I have always on and off dated until I remember again that they're not the kind of people I should date or even text after a few too many drinks. (Aside: Today at Weight Watchers I shrieked out loud when I learned the point value of a mojito. True story.) Then, I wise up for a year or so until I either forget again or get bored enough not to care. My mom is in a panic because she read that the average age for women to get married is 26 and I'm pretty much there. I told her not to worry because I have found the perfect profile picture of me laying on the couch for when I'm forced to join match.com.

    I've started going to the WW meetings to shame me into losing weight, which is working quite well. I've also started going to the gym more consistently. I was so sore this past weekend that I physically could not get out of my bed, which basically means that an hour of working out took me out of commission for two entire days. ha!

    This commercial is so me:

    Sunday, February 13, 2011

    "I'm probably the only person to gain weight on Weight Watchers" or "Sweet Jesus, I love candy..."

    I have a job now, which I love, but it's a very stressful job. After several months of work, I'd gained about five pounds of peanut M&Ms, licorice, salt and vinegar chips, and subway foot longs. (I'm guessing Jared didn't get the spicy Italian with a shit ton of dressing.)

    My pants were doing that sausage in casing thing one morning when I had a complete breakdown and joined Weight Watchers online. I figured online was best because of how I think those people at the meetings are lunatics with their "birthday cupcakes are the devil" approach and because, let's be honest, I can't stand most people or programs. I am not a joiner.

    Firstly what is this pointsplus program? They've engineered it so I can have as many grapes or carrot sticks as I want, but a handful of Hershey's kisses screws my whole day. It's like they're forcing me to make healthy choices. By breakfast of my first day, I had used 14 points; I only get 29.

    I lost weight the first two weeks and then gained the third. Yes, I actually gained weight on Weight Watchers. I'm trying to stick it out and turn it around, but I don't think I'm ready to lose weight. I'm like one of those people with too much self esteem who could be 300 pounds and think I look hott in my stretch pants.

    Monday, July 26, 2010

    Gorgeous, Handmade Jewelry

    I should start this out by saying that I never endorse anything in my blog unless it's something I have, use, or really really love. I do not get paid for my opinions (unfortunately--but if you would like to pay for my opinions, I will! I'm poor, and I can be bought!!)

    One of my friends from college is super crafty and has been making her own jewelry for years. She makes special things for friends and gives quite a bit as gifts, too. We have finally convinced her to get off her behind and open an Etsy shop!

    Her jewelry is so fierce! I think what I like most about her shop is how every piece is different. There is something for everyone. She also told me that she typically only makes one of each piece (unless she is requested to make more), so you know that your piece is truly unique.

    She just opened her Etsy shop last weekend and adds at least one new piece daily, so check back often to see if anything sparks your interest. All of her pieces are very well-made (She's a crazy perfectionist.) and very reasonably priced. She also told me that she'll be adding some of the jewelry that her mama makes soon, so that's something to look for, too.

    Currently, I am in LOVE with this bracelet:

    The party girl earrings are also to die for. She has a pair of these that she always wears when we go out. Everyone compliments them.

    Other things that make Vee's shop one you'll like:

    -Your entire order ships for $3.00, regardless of the number of items that you purchase.
    -She does custom orders. For example, I would love the bracelet above in a three-strand, which she would absolutely do.
    -She accepts returns. If you don't like your piece for any reason, she will either adjust it for you, make an entirely new piece, or you can just return it (though I can't imagine why you would ever want to return anything).
    -You can pay through Pay-Pal with your credit card. It sounds complicated, but I assure you it is not! I had to do this when I bought an e-book. You just go to Pay-Pal, set up an account, and connect your credit or debit card through Pay-Pal. It takes 5 minutes. This is the SAFEST way to purchase anything online, and now that I've set mine up, I use it as often as possible.

    Some other fun facts about Vee that have nothing to do with her jewelry, but will probably embarrass her: (Muahaha)

    -She absolutely hates the sound of anyone brushing his or her teeth.
    -She's obsessive about maintaining her freakishly perfect eyebrows.

    And the final reason you should check out her site--She's a teacher, too :)

    Friday, July 23, 2010

    Admitted or Committed?

    I am a hypochondriac. I acknowledge it, accept it, and even think that sometimes it can be a good thing. I don't create illnesses, but when something is wrong, I always go to the doctor--no matter how insignificant it may seem. I once went to the emergency room for chub rub.

    My cousin's husband got an ingrown toenail one summer when he was in college. Six months later the infection spread and his entire body turned blue. This is the kind of shit that would not happen to me, because I would have a doctor's appointment after a week of my toenail feeling "funny".

    Anyway, I had a huge wake-up call when I actually had a (perceived) medical emergency last month. I was at work and all of a sudden I started seeing spots. I thought maybe I had looked into the sun or a bright light and tried to ignore it--until I couldn't see anything. Then, just as fast as it came on it, went away. Weird.

    Next, my hand went numb...and my arm, face, neck, mouth, and throat. I was having trouble speaking. I was confused and dizzy and in a room with 15 kindergartners. I thought about writing, "Get help." on the board, but then realized, "Shit, they can't read!" I was freaking out and started sending kids to find another adult to come in so I could leave. I texted my coworker "Come to my class, having stroke, no lol..." Even when I think I'm having a stroke, I still have a sense of humor. Unfortunately, he was down the hall eating the food from the cooking class.

    Finally, I took the entire crew and wandered around until I found an occupied classroom. I told the teacher what was happening, and she tried to call 911. Now, because of my history, everyone is always on my case about going to the doctor, and I would never live down calling an ambulance if nothing was really wrong. I managed to convince her that I was OK, but I needed to leave.

    I called my doctor, and they said to get to the emergency room immediately, but not to drive myself with my numb extremities and all. No shit.

    Five minutes later, I drove myself to the emergency room.

    On the way there, I started having this throbbing pain in my head. When I checked myself in, I said, "I can't see, can't feel anything but this throbbing pain in my head, and I think I'm having a stroke."

    They gave me a pager like you get at Panera and told me to go sit in the waiting room. What do you have to have wrong with you to be immediately admitted? I once saw a man with a head wound, visibly bleeding sitting in the waiting room.

    By the time my freaking little pager started going off, I had to be wheeled into the triage area, because I was too dizzy to walk. The first thing the nurse did was to inject me with pain meds. And let me tell you, they inject that shit right into your IV. It was amazing. Thank god my mom got there to fill out the paperwork, because I spent the next hour and a half out of my mind on pain meds. It was awesome.

    I had all kinds of blood tests and a CAT scan, for which I was totally incoherent. Then, after 3 hours, I was next in line for an MRI. When you get an MRI, they make you fill out this release/patient history form. On the paper, there is a little box that asks if you are claustrophobic. Next time, I will know to check the box, circle it, and write in, "If you put me in an enclosed MRI machine, I will lose my shit!"

    I should have known that I was going to freak out. All of my anxiety triggers were present. I was too cold and uncomfortable, my medicine was wearing off and I was exhausted, the technician was annoying me off, and my head was THROBBING.

    The first 20 minutes inside the MRI machine were fine. I was holding onto my little panic ball with my eyes closed, feeling somewhat relaxed. And then I realized that I had to pee. This was not your normal, "I have to pee soon" feeling. This was a, "I just had two IVs and I have to pee RIGHT NOW!" feeling.

    I somehow managed to wait about 15 more minutes before I squeezed my panic ball and told the nurse that I had to pee. She told me that I had two more minutes in this scan, then they would pull me out.

    Those were the worst two minutes of my life. I tried to sing the happy birthday song in my head but was so messed up from the meds that I couldn't remember the words, which only had me freaking out more. I could feel the panic attack coming on. Though I understood why I couldn't get out in the middle of the scan, I couldn't believe that she told me "No". I felt like I had no control over the situation which is ultimately what I believe led to what I can only describe as "When Crazy Charm lost her mind in the MRI machine..."

    After those two minutes they pulled me out. I said again, "I have to pee, right now."

    The nurse looked at me all strapped in and said, "Sorry, you still have 8 more minutes after we inject your with this dye."

    I could not even comprehend what she said. "I don't think you understand. I have to pee right now. If I can't pee, I'm pretty sure I'm going to freak out and panic." I said as my grip on the panic ball is getting tighter.

    "Well I can give you a bed pan."

    I had my undies on, I was wrapped in three blankets, and yes, I had my period. I started having visions of peeing in the bed pan and then going back into the MRI machine and getting electrocuted from the pee that would inevitably dribble down my legs and onto the machine. And that was when I had had enough.

    "I'm freaking out! I am panicking! And I am going to the bathroom NOW!" I screamed this as I started squeezing my panic ball like a maniac. Then, I somehow managed to wriggle myself from the neck restraint, sit up, and rip the ear plugs from my ears. I can't even describe the technicians reactions. It was kind of like they don't usually see someone escape from the MRI machine.

    I could tell she was really mad as she wheeled me down to the bathroom, but I could not wipe the relieved, medicated, crazy looking smile off my face.

    Two hours later, I got my diagnosis. I had a complex migraine with an aura. Which explains the stabbing pain in my head. Since then, I've had one other migraine. However, I've figured out that if I take 2 advil the moment the aura starts and then proceed to sleep for 6 hours, I'm basically fine.